Poultrygeist (2006)

We watched this movie assuming it had something to do with Thanksgiving. We were entirely wrong. We watched it anyway because we’re stubborn and change scares us. This is a movie about a fast food joint built on an Indian burial ground on its opening day. As you might imagine things go very poorly. If you’re expecting this movie to be bad, aim lower. If you would like to see just how bad this movie is then watching the trailer below should give you a good idea, and our review below that should seal the deal.


 
 

Mark: Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. Well that movie was fucking terrible. Not much else to say on the topic. Reviewed?

Jack: Not a chance there guy. I fucking sat through an hour and forty-five fucking minutes of this horseshit. And someone has to pay for that. And I guess that someone is . . . our readers? Sorry, Steve. Regardless. I fucking watched this. We’re fucking talking about it.

Mark: Sure. Fine. We can run through this thing. In short, this is about a guy named Arby who loves a girl named Wendy. They spread the fast food puns on thick in this one. Anyway, Arby gets a job at a faux KFC to win Wendy back from the treacherous clutches of her college lesbian girlfriend, because everyone turns lesbian in college. Anyway, long story short (too late) the KFC is built on an indian burial ground and everyone ends up turning into murderous chicken zombies. How’d I do? Did I miss anything?

 

For the record, Clue is an underrated movie.

 

Jack: Plot-wise? No. You didn’t miss much. Nightmare viewing experience-wise? You missed pretty much the whole fucking thing. Why the fuck did we watch this again?

Mark: We ended up picking this one to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. One issue: this movie has nothing to do with Thanksgiving aside from its moniker, which is still only tenuously Thanksgiving themed. I thought this thing would be about haunted turkeys killing people… it’s more like haunted chickens revenging their cruel slaughter in a ham-fisted parallel with America’s native peoples. I mean, I guess there were Native Americans at the first Thanksgiving, and perhaps some of those Native Americans were then buried in this indian burial ground? There. There’s your connection. Boom. Saved it.

Jack: No. No you did not. You saved nothing. Which brings me to my first grievance. This movie is genuinely offensive. It’s not that it’s not politically correct, it’s not that the audience can’t handle it, it’s just awful. Great comedians always say that no subject is off limits in terms of a joke, and they’re right. That’s why things like South Park end up being so popular. They use and exploit stereotypes in service of their humor. This does none of that shit. This just lazily trots out offensive stereotypes for no greater joke. They try to wink like they’re in on the joke, but I’ve got news for you, when you make racist, sexist, ableist, and homophobic jokes for literally no other reason than trying to get a laugh off of the stereotype, you’re just being all of those things. Fuck, that got a little heavy. But I’m serious. I’m all for an offensive joke when it’s in service of comedy, but fuck this shit. Mark, save me from my rant here. Talk about how this is a musical for some fucking reason.

 
 

Mark: So yeah, let’s delve into that one a bit. There’s randomly like 5 or 6 musical numbers crammed into this thing, and they’re all at the start of the movie. It’s like they forgot they were trying to be a musical halfway though. The numbers themselves are generally well written (I might even dare to generally call them clever), but suffer a bit by being sung by the cast. The performances come in waaaay off key with the exception of Kate Graham, who plays Wendy. She’s not a great singer, mind you, but in a field of off-key performances at least she’s key adjacent.

Jack: Sure, her performance is by far the strongest part of this, but it’s nowhere close to saving it. And while a couple of the songs approach clever, at least one is a blatant rip-off. The Irish song sung by by Arby is quite literally just the melody and rhythm from Dylan’s “The Times They Are A Changin’”. Except vaguely Irish.

Mark: There is a bit of wit in the movie. It’s not constant laugh-a-minute comedy, but there were a few lines that caught me off guard and made me chuckle a bit. There’s also some humor baked into the songs as well. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot schtick that just completely falls flat, but there are funny little ditties sprinkled throughout that reward you if you are somehow still paying attention.

Jack: To be fair, not every joke falls flat. You’re right that a few of them are worthy of a chuckle or two. Holy diver though, they’re hard to enjoy because of how bananas awful the rest of it is. The script reads like it was written by all of the people rejected from Scary Movie 4 because their jokes were too hack-y.

 

We are genuinely concerned that this joke isn't being fair to the writers of Scary Movie 4.

 

Mark: We would be remiss if we didn't at least comment on the level of gore in this movie. It's immense. And it's not just your standard stabbed-and-bleeding-all-over-the-place gore…. It’s noses getting bitten off, peckers getting chomped on, poop and viscera all over bathrooms… this is a special kind of gore, a fucked up kind of gore. If the movie weren’t so horrendously terrible, it would almost be inspiring in it’s creativity.

Jack: And they are to be commended for this. They do a great job with it. I hate how they use most of the gore, but all of it looks pretty god damned good. But Mark, I’d like to take a second here and ask something. You seem to be defending this movie . . . so like . . . what up wit’ ‘dat?

Mark: I’m just saying... it’s not poetry, but it’s also not every day you see a chicken zombie get caught in a hallway because its broomstick dick gets caught in a hole in the wall.  

Jack: I guess. What’s this doing that a Scary Movie-type movie isn’t doing better, though? And less offensively? And . . . just better.

Mark: Well that’s basically all I have to say about this thing. You have anything else for the people?

Jack: I’ve got very little else for anyone man. Let’s fucking rate this thing and be done. You were right about this… We should’ve stopped when you wanted. Ratings.


RATINGS

For 1, think of how you’d rate Chris Berman’s profficiency with the Spanish language:

 
 

For 10, think of how Joanie would rate Chachi:

 
 

STORY:

Mark: 1 - This story is intentionally bad. They’re making it stupid on purpose. Well, congratulations, filmmakers, you succeeded in making a bad movie with a bad story

Jack: 1 - The writing is beyond lazy. And it thinks it’s so much smarter than it is. All around just awful . . . I think that . . . nope, just awful.

WORLD-BUILDING / IMMERSION:

Mark: 1 - Once again, if you set out to specifically to make a movie that is bad, then I’m not going to reward you for succeeding. The acting is bad. The singing is bad. The story is one which never sets you up to be interested in the goings on of its characters anyway. This movie stacked the deck against itself and then lost the game.

Jack: 1 - What Mark said. Bad. In no way immersive.

SCARE-FACTOR:

Mark: 1 - Are you alektorophobic? No? Well then this movie won’t scare you unless you are so squeamish that even stupid-gore gets under your skin.

Jack: 2 - Some of the shit stuff was legitimately gross. That’s it. That’s the only thing. But it’s not nothing.

EFFECTS (OR JUDICIOUS LACK THEREOF:

Mark: 2 - Call a spade a spade. The effects look terrible. You can tell, though, that there’s a lot of work that went into them. All the effects are practical, at least as far as I could tell, so there’s some bonus points there. I get what they’re going for, the gaylord of red brown and green corn syrup as a send up of more realistic gore, but the stupidness of the movie as a whole ends up weighing heavily on the stupidness of the effects as a sub-category.

Jack: 5 - By far this movies strongest suit. The effects don’t look great, but there’s a metric fuck-ton of them and they vary both in variety and in scope. Credit where it’s due: the effects are well-handled on the budget.

OVERALL:

Mark: 1 - Troma is really good at making bad movies. They’re so good at it that they succeeded in making a movie that is honestly the worst one I’ve seen. Don’t pay any money for this, ever. Don’t talk about it. Don’t watch it for Thanksgiving. Just don’t waste your time. Booooo.

Jack: 1 - I genuinely wish I had never seen this movie. Don’t watch it. Not even for fun so you can complain about it to your friends. It’s not worth it. It’ll just make your life worse.