Welcome to a new feature, everyone. It’s the Horror Release Roundup for March, 2016! HRR is where we let you know what horror movies are coming out over the next month, and we’ll even give you a juicy little morsel of our thoughts on them based on the trailer. Is there a movie we missed? Likely. Let us know what we’ve omitted either on Twitter or in the comments at the bottom of the page. Pick your favorite. I mean, shit, do we have to do everything?
Jack: Why is their hashtag for this movie TiaComeHOME? Does she get poltergeisted into the house and they want her back? But then the point seems to be they can’t get out of that house. So then why just Tia? The neighbor’s acting feels really forced in that trailer, and how the fuck do you not immediately take down that picture of the pervert with the puppet?
Jake: It looks kind of like Poltergeist was “modernized” by cutting and pasting the parents with a same-sex couple. Really got our finger on societal interests, don’t we? Should have come out in February.
Mark: You gotta love straight to DVD horror. The movie has a decent horror pedigree with Heather Langenkamp in a lead role. Honestly the trailer didn’t look that bad, surprisingly. At least not until the special effects started happening, then it looked really bad.
Ava's Possessions (3/4/2016)
Jack: Self-aware, winking, interestingly shot, and did I see a little parkour in that trailer? I’m on board.
Jake: I’m not a fan of possession movies. This movie looks awesome. There seems to be a disconnect in those two statements but this looks like it will turn all that overused shit on its head. It looks stylish, funny, and like an all around breath of fresh air for the sub-genre. Here’s hoping it lives up to it.
Mark: Demonic possession? Neon signage? Puns? Yeah sure. I’m in, if for no other reason than potentially getting a response to the age old question of “does getting possessed by Satan qualify you for worker’s comp?” Seriously. Asking for a friend.
Jack: Mark my words: my children will not have the sort of trigger hesitation displayed by that punk-ass bitch little kid in that trailer. This movie doesn’t look like anything special, despite its pile of awards. I could be wrong though, it has been known to happen.
Jake: I want to watch this solely to figure out what vibes the mom picked up on that the dad did not, and why she apparently did nothing despite said mom spidey-senses going off. This is all her fault. I’m sure of it.
Mark: I love how every horror movie that isn’t a super blockbuster always manages to win like thirty film festival awards and then prominently display them all over everything. This movie looks suspenseful, but there’s a zero percent chance I’m going to be able to watch it without constantly thinking about those two Simpsons episodes where babysitting goes horribly awry.
Road Games (3/4/2016)
Jack: I am very confused about where this movie takes place. The first road sign is in English. The second is in French. All the characters except the hitchhiker seem to be French. But then he wants them to drive him to England? Is he hoping they’re going through the chunnel?
Jake: This is one of those trailers that probably fits into the ‘gives too much away but does it even matter because we knew there would be a twist’ category. Looks very well shot. Probably heavy on drone footage.
Mark: Presumably the sequel to 2007’s “The Hitcher.” This one looks to reimagine a world terrorized by hitchhiking serial killers as one in which it is equally dangerous to be the hitchhiker. This looks underwhelming.
10 Cloverfield Lane (3/10/2016)
Jack: Somehow related to Cloverfield, terrifying-looking, and featuring a super-intense John Goodman? Sign me right the fuck up. Seriously. Jake, Mark, sign me up. Do it. I cannot wait to see this.
Jake: What’s John Goodman up to? The movie is carrying the ‘Cloverfield’ banner, so the immediate wonder is when the monster is going to show its face. I’m just curious to see where this will fit into the Cloverfield universe, though. Is it a sequel of sorts, or some kind of spiritual successor? Either way, I’m in.
Mark: The original Cloverfield is one of my favorite movies to watch when I have some spare time on a weekend, so I was pretty pumped to hear about the sequel. I liked the found footage aspect of the first one so I’m sad to see that go, but at this point I’m just hoping the bomb shelter has a bowling alley so that John Goodman can scream “MARK IT A ZERO” at his captives.
The Ones Below (3/11/2016)
Jack: This movie looks like it’s going to be really hard to follow what’s going on. But then everyone smart will fucking love it so I’ll have to pretend I knew exactly what was going on the whole time.
Jake: Well. This looks disturbing. I’m not sure if there is going to be a twist in this thing or if it will stay in within the ‘fucked up people doing fucked up things’ category but this looks like it might be a white knuckle occasion. Real date potential, y’all.
Mark: Jack and Jake may well have watched a different trailer than I did, and are trying to prank me. Assholes. Is this not just a weird euro-kidnapping adultery movie with a shade of rear window mixed in for kicks? The most excited I was during the trailer was when I thought that guy was Liam Neeson.
The Other Side of the Door (3/11/2016)
Jack: Been awhile since we’ve had a great ghost movie. Could be sweet. I’m already mad at that Indian woman for believing for one fucking second that Laurie from the Walking Dead wasn’t going to instantly open that fucking door.
Jake: The trailer didn’t really resonate with me for this one. The plot seems fine, and I can’t recall having seen many horror flicks set in modern day India but I’m wondering what else it will have in the tank after seeing several of the jump scares in its trailer. Hopefully there’s at least one cricket bat weapon scene.
Mark: Don’t you think if there were really that much at stake that they would have more safeguards on the door than a single wooden bar? Put a damn padlock on the sucker for crying out loud. Seems like it’ll be a well made flick, but I doubt it will be because of its seemingly predictable plot.
Excess Flesh (3/14/2016)
Jack: Well that looks like a light-hearted romp that'll be fun for the whole family. Jesus that looks fucked up. Also, given that it looks like it's set all in one location, this thing's gonna live or die by the acting.
Jake: I’m reasonably certain this is not a film to watch within a few hours of eating. Does that make it like swimming?
Mark: I’ve never been one for torture porn. Eli Roth and I wouldn’t get along well at a house party. There’s basically a zero percent chance I see this movie. Hard pass.
Midnight Special (3/18/2016)
Jack: Damn. That movie looks really intense. This has the feeling of a movie that will either be really great, or really really not great. It does not seem like a middle of the road movie.
Jake: Genre-bender we’ve got here, eh? Sci-fi and religious elements are going to meet over some kid who seems to take inspiration from that episode of the Twilight Zone where the kid has all those powers. Looks like a good flick, but could feel sterile if it’s not executed really well.
Mark: Wait, so did they just make that boy-who-beeps GE commercial into a kidnapping thriller? I can’t imagine this movie having a scare factor higher than about a 1 or 2, but it might be a decent E.T. style romp I suppose.
Winners Tape All (3/23/2016)
Jack: I chuckled a few times while watching this trailer, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it contained all the movie’s best jokes. Still, it looks like a fun time.
Jake: Mockumentary fans rejoice. This one’s coming straight for your eyeballs on vod, and I’ve gotta say, it looks like a fun little flick that has the potential to make fun of a ton of genre tropes in an authentic way if done well. The question will be, can it hold up over the course of 90ish minutes?
Mark: I am actually legitimately excited for this conversation about why everyone coughs up blood as they’re dying always no matter what. As for the rest of the movie, well, I dunno, seems promising. That's some hard hitting trailer analysis there.
Jack: Well jesus christ. That movie looks terrifying. Like good and truly disturbing. If I see that movie, there’s a chance I may never sleep again.
Jake: I feel like this one has the potential to be one of those graphically disturbing films I’ve never really cared for. This is an American release of a Turkish flick, so let’s see how far they go with it. It’s definitely already made ripples.
Mark: Yeah this doesn’t look very good. I dunno but the whole open-the-gates-of-hell thing never does it for me with the lone exception of Event Horizon, but then they didn’t really open the gates in that one, they just teleported to hell and back. Very clear difference.
Jack: Wow. Is this movie going to be 3 hours long? There appeared to be about 70 different set pieces. Although was that Nightcrawler popping into the bathroom there? If this movie has more like the cold open to X-2, I will watch it and love it.
Jake: There was so much going on in this trailer. So much. But all I could focus on was the one second shot from early on of the very pregnant female lead drinking what is most assuredly champagne. None of this paranormal shit is going to matter because that kid’s gonna pop out with FAS. That’s scary enough, America.
Mark: Man, this trailer has tropes on tropes on tropes on tropes. It’s like the script was written by someone with serious horror ADD. Haunted house? Check. Ventriloquist ghost? Check. Bathtub scene? Check. Ghost busting? Check. Seance in haunted ruins? Check. The undead? Check. Birthing the anti-christ? Probably. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this one ended up being a darkhorse favorite of mine.
TOP 1 BOTTOM 1:
To wrap up March’s horror movies, we’re all going to give our most anticipated movie and our least anticipated movie. Let us know if you agree!
Jack: 10 Cloverfield Lane - Come right the fuck on. John. Motherfucking. Goodman.
Jake: 10 Cloverfield Lane - I get it. It’s a massive release and had another trailer during the Super Bowl and will appeal to the wider audience of… well, everyone. Just because we run a horror site doesn’t mean I have to be unique. Fuck you.
Mark: Bleed - I mean I think we’re all pretty excited for 10 Cloverfield Lane, but I’ve seen that one coming for a while. Bleed wins for me because I’m bold enough to be different, unlike these other clowns. Also, with the amount of shit crammed into the trailer you’re basically guaranteed that the movie will touch on something that’s scary.
Jack: Emilie - If this pushes literally any boundary I will be shocked.
Jake: Home - Nooooope.
Mark: The Ones Below - I took about a week in between writing my bits for the trailers and circling back on this top 1 / bottom 1 part, and in that time I had completely forgotten about this movie. It just doesn’t seem even remotely interesting. I still think Jake and Jack are trying to construct some type of elaborate punk’d style scenario where they force me to watch this.