Horror Release Roundup
December 2016

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Welcome to December 2016's Horror Release Roundup! HRR is a schedule of the horror flicks coming out over the next month, complete with links to trailers and a juicy little morsel of our thoughts on each release. Can't find the trailers? Well we now just toss them right in this damn post. You lazy son of a bitch. Is there a movie we missed? Likely. Let us know what we’ve omitted either on Twitter or in the comments at the bottom of the page. Don't leave us hangin'.


BLOOD BROTHERS
12/02/2016 - VOD

Jack: Well you certainly can’t say that doesn’t look interesting. Serious question though, is this supposed to be comedic? Something about that trailer seemed like this movie will be at least 30% comedy. What was that you ask? Well, I don’t know, but something.

Jake: 99 percent of this trailer is the “bad people doing horrible things” type of horror, but the other one percent is the “butterfly related body horror” type of horror. While the first type is obviously a generic space that we encounter a lot, the latter is, to my knowledge, wholly original. Does that make it good? No. Does it make it interesting?...

Mark: Just when you think you have a movie pegged… they toss up a fleeting image of a chick with human-flesh butterfly wings. I’m not certain how this movie is actually going to turn out, my inclination is poorly, but its trailer is arguably the most twist filled. Also, I can honestly say this is more head-bottle-smashing than I’ve ever seen in a trailer before. So it’s got that going for it, which is nice.


PET
12/02/2016 - THEATRICAL

Jack: Here’s the thing, I’m an OG fan of Dominic Monaghan. No, not from when he was in Lord of the Rings, I said OG idiot. I’m talking Dominic Monaghan circa Hetty Wainthropp Investigates. That’s the good shit right there. So you know, he’s in this. Sorry, I’ve got too much of that sick beat from the Hetty Wainthropp Investigates theme song pounding through my head to talk more just now.

Jake: Uh oh. Looks like Meriadoc Brandybuck got into Farmer Maggot’s crop and smoked the shit that makes you kidnap and imprison women… That scamp… Whoever cut this trailer and used a pull quote that mentions the “sharp left turn” the movie takes is a dick. Doing that makes said sharp left turn decidedly less sharp. This still looks intresting, but fuck whoever decided on some of the promotional direction.

Mark: Thank god this isn’t directed or otherwise associated with Eli Roth. I bet that this movie brings a lot of new things to the table of pop-culture and the overarching conversation regarding cyber-stalking. The sarcasm doesn’t really come across in this format, so I’ll just state directly that that last sentence was dripping with it. If you want an actual good movie about stalking go watch Ratter, you won’t regret it.


SIREN
12/02/2016 - THEATRICAL

Jack: So that chick looks like an alien. That is neat. Also this looks pretty goddamned unsettling. I liked the short upon which this is based, so bring it on.

Jake: I’m glad they got the original actress to come back for this. She’s legitimately weird looking and it makes it creepier. Is that a bad thing to say? She’s not going to like me, is she?

Mark: I mean, it’s a chiller movie so it’s going to have the same basic level of competence that SyFy channel original movies do (which I don’t really mean as a knock against it). The only gripe I really have is of all of the shorts from V/H/S, isn’t this the one you least wanted to see made into a feature? At least they brought back the “I like you” line, which is and was sufficiently creepy.


INCARNATE
12/02/2016 - THEATRICAL

Jack: Oh no! An Arch-Demon?! Say it ain’t so! Why couldn’t it have just been a regular demon? Power level not high enough I guess. That said, I like Aaron Eckhart and Carice van Houten, so maybe this won’t be unwatchable? Then again, I like Mark Duplass and Olivia Wilde too, and we all know how that turned out . . .

Jake: This month’s first (please be the only) exorcism movie. The acting looks stilted as shit. Moving on.

Mark: I actually like and respect a good possession movie every once in awhile, so when I saw Aaron Eckhart I got my hopes up a bit. Then I watched the rest of the trailer. This won’t be the worst possession movie of the year by a long shot, but it’s certainly in the running for the worst movie on this list.


DER BUNKER
12/06/2016 - VOD

Jack: Does this have anything going on besides weird-for-weird’s-sake? If it doesn’t is that enough to carry an entire movie successfully? I guess we’ll find out.

Jake: The specificity of the weirdness of that trailer is absurd. I’m speechless.

Mark: I was specifically informed by South Park that Germans don’t have a sense of humor so I’m frankly confused and befuddled as to exactly what this movie is. I haven’t the foggiest idea what vibe this movie is going to end up having. Also, just to clarify, this has been out since August, but is receiving a much wider VOD release this month.


GOOD TIDINGS
12/06/2016 - VOD

Jack: I’ve watched this thing twice now, and I’m still not confident that it’s in English. It does look scary though. I’m kind of excited to see this thing. The non-comedic, non-campy Christmas horror is ripe for the picking right now.

Jake: I can’t make sense of a damn word that’s uttered in this trailer, and there aren’t many to begin with. The synth score gives it a dark, throwback feel, but the mixing doesn’t bode well for the quality. Here’s hoping it’s just a trailer issue and the flick actually succeeds at having discernible language.  

Mark: I was so eager to point out that you don’t understand the language because it’s not english and because you’re a fool. But then I looked on the IMDB page and found that the movie actually was in English… so…. Yeah…. What the fuck language are they speaking? Aside from that this has the makings for a decently creepy Christmas-time watch.


IT WATCHES
12/06/2016 - VOD

Jack: 10 bucks says the way they transition from found footage to 3rd person perspective will be infuriating. If they can execute this correctly though, the concept seems kind of cool and original.

Jake: So, Mark. What do you want to watch more? This, or Alone in the Ghost House?

Mark: Another month, another movie that Jake totally discounts because he’s a curmudgeon. Make sure the past isn’t watching you? Come on, Jake, that’s gotta be the best tagline of this whole bunch. That’s exaggerating a bit, but I don’t think this looks nearly as bad as you are suggesting. Also, to actually answer your question: Alone in the Ghost House.


ABBATOIR
12/09/2016 - VOD

Jack: Does one trailer company have rights to that high pitched pinging sound followed by heavy vocals? Why the fuck are so many trailers doing this these days? Also that CG house towards the end looks downright comical.

Jake: Interesting concept but there’s a lot going on. I get the feeling that I’m not going to understand what’s happening if/when I give it a watch, but it looks more than competently made and the atmosphere seems… atmospheric?

Mark: So is the guy a killer, or does he just steal crime scenes in order to raise the dead? Because those are two very different crimes. One is murder and one is… I dunno… real estate fraud? Murderers are scary, real estate frauders are just sort of eccentric. All jokes aside I’m all in on this movie. It looks creative, creepy, and with a hint of something I can’t find a word for other than whimsy. Does anyone else get a distinct 13 Ghosts vibe?


BEYOND THE GATES
12/09/2016 - VOD

Jack: This thing looks like a ton of fun. It is on that edge though where it's might be just a little too winking to be all the way enjoyable.

Jake: An 80’s throwback flick about a haunted video board game? You bet your ass Barbara Crampton is in this shit.

Mark: They already made this move with Robin Williams and a jungle theme. That movie was called Patch Adams, and although entertaining it was not particularly scary until the very end. Seriously though, this seems like Jumanji, Weird Science, and Goosebumps had a love parallelogram with Stranger Things that resulted in somehow the four of them giving birth to this movie. That’s like the third time I’ve use that sentence today.


THE ECSTASY OF ISABEL MANN
12/13/2016 - VOD

Jack: That trailer got 15 fucking seconds in before anything other than the production company happened. Cool. A lot of low budget stuff ends up being incredible due to the work put into it, unfortunately, this just looks forgettable.

Jake: Uh… Is this a vampire chick flick? At least it’s novel I guess.

Mark: And the winner for nonsensical trailer of the month goes to…. This movie. That’s the joke. The joke is that this trailer doesn’t make sense. Why would a vampire be out in the daytime? Why would a vampire go to the dentist to get braces? That seems like that would set off some alarm bells on the X-Ray. On the bright side this trailer also wins the “neato soundtrack of the month” award.


THE OUIJA POSSESSION
12/13/2016 - VOD

Jack: Jesus Christ this looks bad. Proper bad. I’m so dissapoint. In lots a guy.

Jake: “The game plays you”? What the fuck is this, Soviet Russia? This looks real bad. If shitty acting and a concept that brings nothing new to the table is for you, then go for it. But there is a better Ouija movie made this year. That’s for damn sure.

Mark: Who made the floating CG letters? Did they work for nickelodeon in the early 90’s? Do they know stick-stickly? Can they introduce me? I’m a huge fan. My mama always said “if you don’t have anything nice to say, make nostalgic references to TV from 2 decades ago.” Remember Gullah Gullah Island? Yeah, I member.


SECRET SANTA
12/13/2016 - VOD

Jack: Uggh. Not excited. Also, the filter they used to make the film seem old-time-y just looks bad and clearly superimposed. Krampus is still a thing. Just go watch that.

Jake: This looks kind of awesome. It seems like a fun not to B-Movies of days gone by, but there’s one thing that’s really sticking out. Is this basically just Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving from Grindhouse? Can we get one of these for each holiday?

Mark: Every month has the bad movie that was made intentionally bad in order to be a meta-commentary on the genre or some bullshit. Whatever. This is my “over it” face. You can’t really see it, but I’m making it.


CITY OF DEAD MEN
12/16/2016 - VOD

Jack: I don’t know. Maybe I’m just tired. This just looks . . . unexciting. I did kind of like the masks though.

Jake: If traveling to South America carries a non zero chance one will take drugs and fall into living with strangers in masks at an abandoned hospital, I am never going south of our borders again.

Mark: Hey Jake, how is life up there in your ivory tower anyway? Would you say it’s easier or harder to get onto your high horse from there? Maybe some of us don’t want to live as sheeple and might think seeking a drug-riddled refuge in an abandoned mental institution is just the way to get one’s head straight. You ever think of that? Not me, to clarify, I’m more of a suburbs kinda guy.


THE DEVIL LIVES HERE
12/16/2016 - VOD

Jack: This looks pretty interesting. If the film is filled with good world-building and genuine atmosphere rather than just back to back kills, this could be something special.

Jake: Is this a Brazilian prequel to Candyman? Man oh man, this does not look like a good time. It seems interesting and I can’t recall ever seeing a Brazilian horror film (I’ve never seen the Coffin Joe movies but know of them), but I feel like this will not be an enjoyable watch by any means.

Mark: Jake is lying. He has told me on multiple occasions that he has never heard of Coffin Joe. I thought it was an oddly specific thing to reference, but he insisted. As for the movie, it looks like an immeasurably better made version of Bleed. This was close to being my darkhorse pick of the month.


SOLACE
12/16/2016 - VOD

Jack: Big movie? Competently made? Anthony Hopkins? This thing will be watchable at a minimum.

Jake: I’m not sure how much of a horror movie this will be. It seems like more of a thriller. But hey, that’s how the academy justified giving Best Picture to another Anthony Hopkins flick so I’m welcoming this with open arms.

Mark: This gets the “definitely not a horror movie” award for this month. This looks good, but it also looks like a movie my mom will want to see, which essentially disqualifies it completely from being a horror movie. In fact, the most horrifying thing in this might be Anthony Hopkins’ haircut. Hiyooo. Nailed it. Fuckin got em.


DISAPPOINTMENTS ROOM
12/20/2016 - DVD

Jack: Be careful of that room. That’s where Charlie goes to be alone and break bottles. I actually think this looks pretty good. I like supernatural shit like this. I’m for sure watching this one.

Jake: We’ve seen this title floating around for a long time now. Apparently, it got a limited run but was ripped out of theaters after being panned. Still interested in watching the movie? Of course not. Moving on.

Mark: As Jake alluded to, this movie was one of those that was originally slated for release like a year ago and then Relativity Media went under and it was sorta just lost to the wind for a while. Technically, it was released in September to a smattering of theaters, but was pulled almost completely from the face of the planet two weeks afterward. Well, now it’s getting released  to DVD and I couldn’t be more indifferent.


THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE
12/23/2016 - LIMITED THEATRICAL

Jack: Holy diver that’s a good trailer. Also this thing looks like it establishes a real feeling of isolation and pushes that hard. Man, I’m excited for this.

Jake: Now that’s a trailer. Great suspense. This thing has a small cast that is sure to do a stellar job. What little we know of the premise is intriguing as well. This looks like one to go see if you can this holiday.

Mark: I have heard great buzz surrounding this thing. I was excited to watch the trailer to see what all the hubbub was about, but it really doesn’t give you much. I’ll just be over here waiting with baited breath, but in the meantime can we discuss whether or not this qualifies as being this month’s zombie movie?


TOP 1 / BOTTOM 1:

TOP 1:

Jack: Disappointments Room - Something about this is just speaking to me. I really want to see just what in the fuck is going on in this house. I’m hopeful it’s going to be a House of Leaves kind of a situation, because that book is great, and needs a movie, so until it gets one, I’ll just watch this shit.

Jake: The Autopsy of Jane Doe - Until I am proven otherwise, I’m going to ride with this one  thinking it is not a zombie flick. The cast is beyond promising and the trailer was very well constructed, providing ample hope for a polished product that will end the year on a high note. It’s the conventional pick this month, but damnit it just feels right.

Mark: Abbatoir - I honestly almost didn’t pick this one because I didn’t feel like trying to spell it again, but the trailer made me go the extra mile. It looks like an interesting concept that could be well executed, with just enough CG mixed in to make this movie possible. It kinda just makes me want to go back and watch 13 Ghosts again though. Horror needs more Tony Shalhoub.

BOTTOM 1:

Jack: The Ouija Possession - Fuck. No.

Jake: The Ouija Possession - The title kind of says it all. There is a ouija board and someone/some people will be possessed. I have zero interest in watching the inevitably required and probably poorly executed exorcism.

Mark: Incarnate - I honestly struggled with picking this one. This is arguably the best month we’ve done so far. Incarnate started out with promise with Blumhouse and Aaron Eckhart, but then it he jacked in to the little kids mind in order to excise a demon. Oh, it’s the strongest you’ve ever faced? Wow. How novel. I unsarcastically would rather watch both Alone in a Ghost House and It Watches than this movie.