Horror Release Roundup May 2019

May is here and ready to usher us into the summer with some freakin’ heat on the horror front. Look at all these movies and get your weekends (or whatever time you take off - we don’t judge) planned, because there’s some volume.

The Horror Release Roundup is our recurring feature breaking down the screams and scares that are heading your way every month. This time around we have everything (or at least our attempt at everything) coming at you in May of 2019. Enjoy the trailers and our respective thoughts below.

Interested in reading up on previous months? Try checking out our archive.

Prefer hearing words over looking at words? Try checking out our podcast.


CHAMBERS
04/26/2019 - NETFLIX

 
 

A woman survives a heart transplant and begins to develop different personality traits.

Jack: I’m not sure I have too many thoughts on this movie’s story, but I do have a whole lot of thoughts about how terrifying that weird yoga writhing is. Subtle, too. Plus, being on Netflix, the barrier to entry is close to nil, so this’ll find its way onto my screen at some point.

Jake: Yeah, this came out in late April but Netflix’ll do that to you. Gotta stay on your toes. It’s also being classified as “Teen” by their tag system, which I find interesting. The lead is a teen, yes. But is this targeted at teens? If so, it looks way more dark than the teen shit kids were into when I was young. Seems like it could be groovy.

Mark: I don’t know, Jake, when I was a teen Harry Potter got pretty dark. I mean, some barely noticeable secondary characters died so that was pretty traumatizing. Granted, no one ever nearly died of a congenital heart condition, received an organ transplant from a stranger with overly clingy parents, and then started hallucinating and abusing small animals… but there was an escaped convict godfather so that must’ve been tough. Okay, fine, this is more dark.


THE CONVENT
05/03/2019 - VOD

 
 

During the 17th Century a young woman is saved from execution and led to a priory to repent her sins but discovers a greater evil lies within.

Jack: Team. Team? Team. We need to talk about how much the judge in that trailer looks like Billy Joel. Judge looks like Billy Joel. I’ve now googled it to make sure that isn’t him, and I’m starting to develop elaborate conspiracy theories about how IMDB is lying to me. I want to talk about how this could be a pretty cool period piece (even they do incorrectly conflate necromancy and witchcraft), but I’m really quite stuck on this BJ thing. Dammit. Someone bring me a bottle of red and a bottle of white!

Jake: There’s a whole heap of out of focus stuff in this trailer and I’m not sure if it’ll be helpful from the perspective of rough CG-avoidance or if it will just be annoying and we will still get a lot of rough CG.

Mark: Wow. I feel like Pam must’ve felt in the scene from The Office when Andy asked her out using every single thing that she hated the most out of a date. I don’t know who that trailer was made for, but it was not me. Sure, generic nunsploitation supernatural something or other might get some people going but that’s gonna be a hard pass from me, Dog.


DEAD TRIGGER: UNKILLED
05/03/2019 - VOD

 
 

A mysterious virus has killed billions and turned many others into bloodthirsty zombies. Unable to stop the virus, the government develops a video game, "Dead Trigger," that mirrors the terrifying events that curse the world.

Jack: So let’s set aside that the trailer has “IN CINEMAS 24 JANUARY 2019” burned into it. We have more important things to discuss. Namely, Dolph Lundgren and his transition into doing a butt-load of campy horror flicks. I am so on board. This the movie the summer deserves.

Jake: DOLPH. We’re getting into the time of year where you can more comfortably lay outside all day and pound a case of beer while watching mindless horror movies. I plan to do that with this. I almost asked why subject zero necessarily had to be more badass and then I remembered that I don’t give a fuck. Beer and Dolph killing zombies.

Mark: I hate writing last because it means in times like this I have to figure out to say something better or more insightful than Jake. But he has this one figured out perfectly so I’m just going to go with “ditto.” Oh wait, I have something… does anyone else think the “you must become a weapon” Russian sounding training dude is just Sean Astin trying to feel out some different roles? IMDB says that it’s someone named Oleg Taktarov.


I’LL TAKE YOUR DEAD
05/03/2019 - VOD

 
 

A man who disappears dead bodies for local gangs must protect a woman from the people who want to see her killed. Also there might be some ghosts or something.

Jack: So, this is the horror version of the Transporter, right? Holy diver, I didn’t realize how much I needed that in my life until writing the sentence out. I’m so excited for that idea, in fact, that I’m having trouble finding a way to shoehorn my Monty Python “bring out your dead” joke somewhere into this paragraph. Hey, would you look at that? I did it.

Jake: I had to look up Black Fawn when I first saw it to try to remember what I’d seen by this outfit before. The trailer goes on to note it as well, but the answer is Bite. We all know how that turned out. I’d just like to comment that the synopsis for this one is amazing and we definitely probably didn’t write it ourselves.

Mark: Can we just take a step back for a second to comment on how wildly fucked up it is that he has this job, and has a daughter, and he ostensibly tells her about it. I mean what kind of weird moral ground are we going to be asked to stand on in this one where the hero of the movie helps destroy dead bodies, kidnaps a woman, and brings his daughter along for the ride? Actually, now that I’m typing this I can’t wait to see this to see how they inject the father-daughter bonding trope into every stitch of this thing.


HIGH MOON/HOWLERS
05/14/2019 - VOD

 
 


A gunslinging werewolf slayer from the old west mysteriously rises from the grave only to find that the band of werewolves that brutally murdered his wife are still running rampant generations later.

Jack: So this looks to be a super indie movie. Like, the trailer has fewer than 2000 views kind of indie. And I’ve gotta say, if this is in fact a super indie movie, It looks really good. But then I see that Sean Patrick Flannery’s in it and I wonder how indie it really is. But then, but then, I wonder if Sean Patrick Flannery being in a project means it’s not indie (it does not mean that). Real roller coaster with this one.

Jake: Remember my earlier comment about it getting to be proper season guzzle beer and watch mindless schlock? This just upped the ante. Also love the title.

Mark: The number one thing I want to know is what qualifications that dude has to determine the age of coffins that appear to be remarkably clean. Anyway, beyond that DID HE JUST PULL TWO BATTLEAXES OUT OF HIS HOLSTERS? That was badass.


PERFECT
05/17/2019 - THEATRICAL (NEW YORK)
05/24/2019 - THEATRICAL (LOS ANGELES)
06/21/2019 - VOD

 
 

A young man with a violent past enters a mysterious clinic where the patients wildly transform their bodies and minds using genetic engineering.

Jack: This movie just looks stylistic as all hell. I’m a little concerned that that’s to the detriment of any other quality the movie might need to be watchable, but I really hope I’m wrong about that. There’s a version of the weird Tron-graphics and saturated style that could grip me, but this trailer just ain’t doing it for me dog.

Jake: I’m sure it will make sense within the context of the movie but I can’t get over how awesome the shot was of the kid heroically curling a fucking 2.5 pound dumbbell in front of a breathtaking vista. I just want to watch that set to fuel. Can we just do that?

Mark: Best part of the whole trailer? The cartoon instructional booklet at about 0:40. I aspire in life to be as happy as that cartoon. I like it because it’s hilarious, but also there are a few more glimpses of that style of thing lying around this place that appears to potentially literally be going to hell and I like that type contrapuntal stylistic touch. It bodes well for the movie. Also the last Steven Soderbergh movie I saw (Unsane) cracked my best of 2018 list so the likelihood I see this one is high.


ISABELLE
05/24/2019 - VOD

 
 

A young couple's dream of starting a family shatters as they descend into the depths of paranoia and must struggle to survive an evil presence that wants nothing more than their very own lives.

Jack: I’m glad Amanda Crew has found work outside of a Mike Judge project. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mike Judge, but he’s not particularly known for writing roles for women that give them a chance to really exercise those acting chops as it were, and Amanda Crew is a better actor than she gets credit for.

Jake: Rosemary’s Baby meets my worst nightmare? Is the baby a spider? That would be terrifying unless John Goodman’s character from Arachnophobia was there to be awesome and save the day. There’s a lot of a red eye effect in this that seems a little unnecessary considering how preposterous it looks, but the atmosphere aside from that seems like it could provide a few chills.

Mark: Okay, let’s call a spade a spade. This movie probably isn’t bringing a whole lot of cards to the table. However, it does have creepy neighbors which is something that will basically always get me going. I’m a little confused as to why they apparently kill the baby off early in the movie. Wouldn’t the whole pregnancy angle have added an additional level of intensity to all of this?


ASSIMILATE
05/24/2019 - VOD, LIMITED THEATRICAL

 
 

Three friends making a web series about their town discover that their neighbors are being killed and replaced by creatures who are perfect copies of their victims.

Jack: This movie looks kind of awesome. The jaw-thing in that trailer was really freaky. Now could this go too far and be just a bonkers mess? Absolutely. But could it also hit the tonal line perfectly and be legitimately terrifying? It’s certainly possible and I’m really hoping that it does.

Jake: A Body Snatchers-type movie with some found footage elements? I could get on board for this. The kids do seem to pose different rules than the huge, blocky text in the trailer though. First they bite you and then they turn into you. Ok. But the text seems to think they hunt you as a middle stage. I’d say if they have bitten you then you’ve already been hunted, but I don’t know much about hunting man other than you don’t do it.

Mark: “Something bit me so I hid in a closet.” Not sure I follow the logic on that one. I mean, I guess it worked for her. The thing stopped biting her. So here I am looking like an asshole not hiding in a closet. I like the way this looks and how it appears to be executed, particularly with the weird creepy crawlers. I will be seeing this and I am excited about it.


THE PERFECTION
05/24/2019 - NETFLIX

 
 

When troubled musical prodigy Charlotte (Allison Williams) seeks out Elizabeth (Logan Browning), the new star pupil of her former school, the encounter sends both musicians down a sinister path with shocking consequences.

Jack: God damn this looks great. Plus, as discussed, it’s almost a guaranteed watch just because I’m sure it will start auto-playing on my Netflix home screen at some point, I’m I’m usually too lazy to stop a movie after it’s started (plus I get headaches if I leave them unfinished). There are movies that would be wayyyy less welcome auto-playing and having me compulsively having to finish them.

Jake: Allison Williams sure does a good job of looking completely unhinged beneath that calm and otherwise trustworthy exterior. She was amazing in Get Out (everyone was but still), and this is on Netflix so the barrier to entry is nil. Indications from Fantastic Fest are positive as well, so of course this is a watch.

Mark: Does anyone else get a black swan vibe out of this one? Not much more to be said here… Netflix generally has pretty high quality and if it’s even moderately acceptable people will be talking about it so the odds we all dive into this one are ever in our favor. I am dying to know if the backwards E in the movie poster is there for a specific reason or if it’s just to drive me insane by being imperfect.  


BRIGHTBURN
05/25/2019 - THEATRICAL

 
 

What if a child from another world crash-landed on Earth, but instead of becoming a hero to mankind, he proved to be something far more sinister?

Jack: Yep. Big superhero movie fan. Big Elizabeth Banks fan. Big horror fan. Count me in for this.

Jake: I don’t like superhero movies but I will watch this. I think this can break the barrier and finally do the trick. Not that expectations are high or anything...

Mark: Unlike Jake I do like superhero movies. This has me disproportionately excited. I also am strangely infatuated by the combo of Elizabeth Banks and David Denman. This is such a good concept that I’m flabbergasted we’ve never really seen anything like this before. Why wouldn’t all superheroes just be evil? The only thing that will really kill my enjoyment of the movie is if they introduce an actually good superhero to fight him at the end.


STARFISH
05/28/2019 - VOD

 
 

A unique, intimate and honest portrayal of a girl grieving for the loss of her best friend. That just happens to take place on the day the world ends as we know it.

Jack: So, what’s actually happening here? Based on the plot summary, I’m a little concerned that I’ll be a little less worried about the honest portrayal of grief than I will be about the end of the world . . . but what do I know? I’m certainly intrigued, in any case.

Jake: I’m fortunate to not know what it’s like to lose my best friend but this looks more like an all out acid drop… which I also know nothing about… so, uh, touché I guess?

Mark: Man, that really went in a lot of different directions. Lonely post apocalypse to Ancient Ones sky monster to anime to stereotypical artsy water by a couch scene… so I guess at the very least there will be a lot of content in this one. This has been floating around some festivals for the last few months, and apparently it’s more of a stylish contemplation about grief from losing a friend so maybe don’t go into this one expecting an excitement packed blockbuster.


GODZILLA: KING OF MONSTERS
05/31/2019 - THEATRICAL

 
 

The crypto-zoological agency faces off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three-headed King Ghidorah.

Jack: Hell yes. I love Kaiju movies. I’m a little gun-shy of giving this my full-throated excitement (that’s a saying, right?) just because, with the exception of Shin Godzilla, the modern Godzilla flicks have been largely disappointing. But it’s too hard to watch that and not be just totally amped.

Jake: This looks fucking epic. Bradley Whitford raises the best point in the entire trailer, though in positing that they should have a beer with Godzilla. Imagine how bad he’d mess Ghidorah up on that two beer buzz. All it would take is all the Coors Light on the planet to get him to that level.

Mark: I’ve been excited for this movie for so long at this point. There is a stupendous amount of talent crammed into this film. I like everything about this and I’ve been legitimately having trouble not blasting the volume level to maximum every time I watch it. Actually, that got me in trouble at my friend’s house once over the winter holidays when I did that at midnight and his SO had already gone to sleep. Oh well. No regrets. This looks awesome.


MA
05/31/2019 - THEATRICAL

 
 

A lonely woman befriends a group of teenagers and decides to let them party at her house. Just when the kids think their luck couldn't get any better, things start happening that make them question the intention of their host.

Jack: We saw this trailer when we went to see Us. I was on board then, and I’m still on board. Octavia Spencer rules, and this is a pretty clever premise. I will say that they’re going to have to do some work to explain why they keep going to Ma’s after the druggings and the theft, but kids are dumb, so that shouldn’t be that hard.

Jake: When watching this I initially was incredulous at the idea these kids would ever go to her house in the first place and then I did an immediate 180. That would totally happen. Really makes you think back to how stupid you were as a kid. Damn, now I’m shook.

Mark: First things first, I would never let my daughter hang out with any friend that owned a panel van that had a bed in the back. Immediately interfering in that relationship.  The horror world really needs more Octavia Spencer. Actually, does anyone else feel like the genre has been really pulling in a lot of talent over the last year or so? I’m a little worried that there are probably too many spoilers built into this trailer but it still looks great so I’ll probably see it. Boom. Analysis.


Horrorish Release Roundup

These movies might not exactly count as “horror,” but we figure we can squeeze them in with an “ish.” That still counts, right?

  • EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE - 05/03/2019 - NETFLIX


    Other Stuff

    It’s other stuff.

  • SLAUGHTERHOUSE RULES - 05/17/2019 - VOD

    • We noted this one awhile back but it’s showing up again. Let’s hope it sees thew light of day this time. Dates are slippery buggers.

  • SCARY STORIES - 05/11/2019 - VOD

    • This is a documentary about the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Should get you lubed up for the upcoming movie…


TOP 1 / BOTTOM 1


TOP 1

Jack: The Perfection - This month has a lot of stuff going for it, and this was a tough choice to make, but Allison Williams just looks way to off the rails insane to not be super stoked for this one.

Jake: Brightburn - Efff it. I’m doing it. I’m going all-in on the superhero movie. Take that shit and turn it right on its head. Give me the superhero movie I’ve always wanted.

Mark: Godzilla - Ensemble cast, great effects, and (if the score from the trailer translates into the actual movie) solid music. I’m ready for some kaiju smashing fun.


BOTTOM 1

Jack: Perfect - Sorry Mr. Soderbergh, but the over-the-top visuals in this thing just aren’t really doing it for me. Really hope to be proven wrong, but I’ll let one of the other jabronis here bite that particular bullet first.

Jake: Isabelle - There’s a lot of decent to good looking films coming out this month and as I look at the whole crop, this one looks worse by comparison. This doesn’t seem to be anywhere close to the bottomest bottom 1 I’ve ever had, but I am not planning on seeing it.

Mark: Convent - This movie might have been built in a lab with the specific purpose of looking uninspiring to me.